Remembering =)

Tomorrow marks ate caren's 34th birthday. I remember getting sad knowing I wouldn't be able to spend her birthday with her this year because she would be in the US. And then when she flew back, I was hoping against hope that at the very least, we would get to spend her birthday together. That was my silver lining back then, she flew back in march, and I was counting the days till june when she is supposed to get better and we could have the double celebration we always have on her and our dad's bday. And well, we all know what came in next...so today, would be the first time I really won't be with her to give her my annual bday card, and to kiss her on her bday eve.

But I will remember her, and celebrate the life she shared with me. For which I will always be thankful. But then again, there's nothing new here, because I remember her every single day. I don't mean to make this blog entry sound sad. I think of her but not in a movie-hysterical-all-alone kind of sad. I have all of these huge chunks of memories that would last me a lifetime -- memories that rise up on the most unexpected occasions without me even trying: in the car, while eating, while watching movies, while going out...they come out of simple things that I know would make her laugh or annoyed, small stuff that I know exactly how she would react to, funny situations I know only she would understand and many more. I can still clearly remember her smiles and her laugh, the sweet way she talks because of her (super) gentle voice and everything there is to remember about her. A lot of times it's still so hard to believe she's gone because I have all these with me -- our experiences, our adventures, our hands clenched together, our sleeping beside each other, our secrets, our inside jokes, our laughter and our tears, even the clothes we shared -- everything is still with me. I always thought that when she died, a part of me died with her. But even though that may be true, I know that the other way around is also true, a part of her will always, always live in and through me.

I miss her, and I would have given everything to have her with me, with us... but there are also so many things that I am seeing and beginning to understand. Bottom line is I have a gift who is a beautiful sister who has always been an angel from since we were together and especially now.

Happy Birthday ate :) i love you.