Saying goodbye...

This was my speech during Ate Caren's necrological service. I haven't watched this since the day it was taken -- only now. As I go back and remember, I think that so much has changed from that day till today, in just, i guess, a span of 2 1/2 months. Hearing my voice here, I realize how much grief, anger and pain I was feeling then. I know my speech says otherwise - I wanted it to sound inspirational and grateful to everyone (which I really am!) - but I feel that more than anything else, I sound hurt here - which unfortunately I really was.

Right now, I still am very thankful to everyone who were with us. But I guess the grief and pain is less as I accept that she may be physically gone and there are so many times in my life that I would miss her but weird as it may sound, I can still feel her presence around me, with the way I don't feel so scared acting as a mother to her 2 kids, with the way I have this new found strength that I know she had when she was alive, and many more other stuff I could attribute to only her.

And lastly, I realize there was no need to be angry. I know that wherever she is right now, she has no regrets with how she lived her life. The only regret would maybe just to have it last a little longer...but since this is what we were given, I think the both of us lived it quite fully :) I have no regrets because I loved her every single day and I will love her till forever. I thought then that I will give all of myself into taking care of her - doesn't matter if she doesn't talk or only wakes up for ten minutes - and I would have done exactly that as long as she was holding on to her life. But maybe she wanted me to do something else for her and I guess I know what...I will take care and love her kids as they are my own and in every way that I can make them feel that ate will always be with them no matter what had happened. I know she wants me to take care of our parents, ate che and kids, ben, von, all our other loved ones and even myself as she would have if she were here. And I'm sure, in turn, as I do this, she will be with me and she will never make me feel like she left...