Remembering =)

Tomorrow marks ate caren's 34th birthday. I remember getting sad knowing I wouldn't be able to spend her birthday with her this year because she would be in the US. And then when she flew back, I was hoping against hope that at the very least, we would get to spend her birthday together. That was my silver lining back then, she flew back in march, and I was counting the days till june when she is supposed to get better and we could have the double celebration we always have on her and our dad's bday. And well, we all know what came in next...so today, would be the first time I really won't be with her to give her my annual bday card, and to kiss her on her bday eve.

But I will remember her, and celebrate the life she shared with me. For which I will always be thankful. But then again, there's nothing new here, because I remember her every single day. I don't mean to make this blog entry sound sad. I think of her but not in a movie-hysterical-all-alone kind of sad. I have all of these huge chunks of memories that would last me a lifetime -- memories that rise up on the most unexpected occasions without me even trying: in the car, while eating, while watching movies, while going out...they come out of simple things that I know would make her laugh or annoyed, small stuff that I know exactly how she would react to, funny situations I know only she would understand and many more. I can still clearly remember her smiles and her laugh, the sweet way she talks because of her (super) gentle voice and everything there is to remember about her. A lot of times it's still so hard to believe she's gone because I have all these with me -- our experiences, our adventures, our hands clenched together, our sleeping beside each other, our secrets, our inside jokes, our laughter and our tears, even the clothes we shared -- everything is still with me. I always thought that when she died, a part of me died with her. But even though that may be true, I know that the other way around is also true, a part of her will always, always live in and through me.

I miss her, and I would have given everything to have her with me, with us... but there are also so many things that I am seeing and beginning to understand. Bottom line is I have a gift who is a beautiful sister who has always been an angel from since we were together and especially now.

Happy Birthday ate :) i love you.

Our most special memories

This was the slideshow made for ate by our good friend mike (thanks mike). A collection of her pretty smiles, her love for her family and the wonderful friendships she made over the years. We will be forever thankful for her presence in our lives. She shared with us so much happiness and beauty and she inspired us in so many ways. She will always, always be in our hearts.

We love you.

Saying goodbye...

This was my speech during Ate Caren's necrological service. I haven't watched this since the day it was taken -- only now. As I go back and remember, I think that so much has changed from that day till today, in just, i guess, a span of 2 1/2 months. Hearing my voice here, I realize how much grief, anger and pain I was feeling then. I know my speech says otherwise - I wanted it to sound inspirational and grateful to everyone (which I really am!) - but I feel that more than anything else, I sound hurt here - which unfortunately I really was.

Right now, I still am very thankful to everyone who were with us. But I guess the grief and pain is less as I accept that she may be physically gone and there are so many times in my life that I would miss her but weird as it may sound, I can still feel her presence around me, with the way I don't feel so scared acting as a mother to her 2 kids, with the way I have this new found strength that I know she had when she was alive, and many more other stuff I could attribute to only her.

And lastly, I realize there was no need to be angry. I know that wherever she is right now, she has no regrets with how she lived her life. The only regret would maybe just to have it last a little longer...but since this is what we were given, I think the both of us lived it quite fully :) I have no regrets because I loved her every single day and I will love her till forever. I thought then that I will give all of myself into taking care of her - doesn't matter if she doesn't talk or only wakes up for ten minutes - and I would have done exactly that as long as she was holding on to her life. But maybe she wanted me to do something else for her and I guess I know what...I will take care and love her kids as they are my own and in every way that I can make them feel that ate will always be with them no matter what had happened. I know she wants me to take care of our parents, ate che and kids, ben, von, all our other loved ones and even myself as she would have if she were here. And I'm sure, in turn, as I do this, she will be with me and she will never make me feel like she left...

Ben, on his true love...

In losing a sister, I gained a brother. And I know with ate leaving, she entrusted ben to us and us to ben. Ben will always be part of the family and I have no doubts on how much he loved my sister. I thank God for bringing him and ate together. He made ate happy in so many ways and I will always be thankful for that. On finding each other I know they have each found their true loves. They're lucky that way, and as they always say, loves like these transcend time and continue when they meet again :)

Thinking of it, I realized that it was really me and him who shared so much in those 2 weeks of ate being in critical condition. We have been through so many things during those times that brought us closer to each other just like any other siblings by blood would have shared. There were scary, weird, angry moments that I know only the two of us would understand should we look back on it. I would think ate caren would be happy to know that ben now has a sister, and I have a kuya to protect me.

Being the eldest sister...

This is our Ate Che sharing her thoughts. I realize how hard this may have been for her coming from an entirely different direction from me. She is based in Canada and wasn't able to spend much time with Ate Caren during the last weeks. But of course they loved each other so much. They were planning to see each other on May and it would have been such a wonderful time for the both of them. But right now, I know Ate Che will have Ate Caren's memories back from where they were children (I came 9 years after ate caren, so the) up to their teenage, college and working years -- and like me, I know this will last her a lifetime of remembering Ate Caren.

Funny as it may sound, I have always thought we are like the Charmed ones, 3 sisters and I felt there was something magical in us :) Right now, there's only Ate Che and I - and it's sad to think about not being complete. But together, I know Ate Caren will never be lost to the two of us. We share so much love among us three to ever let that happen.

Strength in Numbers

I have wanted to write this entry for so long now. i have had numerous drafts saved and erased because I always felt like I couldn't find the right words to express what I am feeling. Writing this now and knowing that ate caren is still beside me,  my heart fills up with hope and courage that we could still face more days together. I find comfort that I am seeing her sleep soundly and as I stay by her bedside for another night I realize how far we have taken this fight up to now when we were only given 1-3 days chance of response exactly last week. 

I know that we've gone this far because ever since day 1, we never battled this alone. So many people are with us every step of the way -- and for that, I am and will be eternally grateful. Everyone has showered us with unconditional support, help, prayers and most importantly love. I don't know how else to say it, but I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart and in behalf of my family. 

This blog was a shot in sharing our story and hoping that many can contribute the little that they have and together put up a big effort for ate. But now I realize that what we receive aren't little contributions, we are being given SO MUCH -- not little, but a lot! we are getting overwhelming support from everyone and this much presence in our lives makes these difficult times bearable and with your continuous help, what I wrote in this blog's  profile becomes true: comfort and healing is just near indeed. Each person sending encourgement in the chatbox,  every visitor we have here at the hospital,  all the text messages I receive, all the prayers that were offered, every pledge and donation being given, every email sent to me, every chocolate, fruit, food, flower and balloon that we have in our room -- all of these are such big gestures that I am sure we will never, ever forget. I can only pray that someday, me and ate can thank you personally for all of of your selfless ways. 

Ate menchie's surprise gifts, balloons and fruits

For all of ate's friends, my superfriends, friendskami and our relatives who are "literally" with us everyday taking care of ate and acting as our very own support group despite their busy schedules and their own families to take care of  -- thank you for being with us and we want you to know that your being here makes ate's room feel more like home rather than a hospital. When you sleep overnight, wash ate's face towels, talk to her, hold her, comfort her when she is uneasy and treating her like your own sister or daughter, i feel like our family is getting bigger every time. i get to have more sisters, more brothers, more friends. 

Ate's friends and their artistic abilities -- our hospital room with wall decor and with so much food!!!

To the department, our neighbors, my grade school friends, my students, everyone I met via this blog and to everyone to whom I sent this blog to, I know that all of you offered up a prayer for us, and even for just that, I am already thankful. But you didn't just stop there, with your visits, driving us to and from hospitals, endless favors, generous pledges, reposting of the blog in your status messages and your blogs, kind words and advices, doctor recommendations, for all the help you are unconditionally offering us, we thank you very very much. I am lucky to have met and worked with all of you. I am in the company of good people and that in itself is already a blessing.

At times when I get the chance to reflect on everything that is happening, my mind turns to the overflowing support that's coming to us. I feel like I have no right to give up when everyone is rooting for us. I even tell ate caren each of your efforts so that even at her unconscious state she is aware of the love we're receiving and maybe that can inspire her to get better. At times when I really just want to lay this battle down to rest, I think of everyone who believes in this as much as I do and I regain my momentum to continue. I believe that all of the things happening gives me an opportunity to learn something and one of the things God wants me to understand is that we have so many people behind us who loves us and cares for us. That there are still people who will not hesitate or think twice in extending whatever they have and whatever they can do just to be able to assist usthrough these. I will always thank the Good Lord for all of you. You are definitely Godsent. Our angels in human form.

** thank you to uncles and aunties, cousins, ate janice, kuya jarrid, ate jojie, rr, roan, kuya ron, atchie, kuya jon and others, neighbors, tita tess, ate ryll, ann, nas, hannah, timi, marlon, joseph, bing, derick, eli, ronchi, nat, tyrone, hans, iche, march, karren, tita amy, tito mar, mike, rhea, hanna, chubbs, jam, daniw, riza, philip, rina, ric, leng, sir cedric, ma'am susan, sir pros, sir rommel, sir mario (and sir mario's friend), ate mila, sir tristan, all the people at the department, my students, yenyen, marie, jase, dan, and everyone who contacted me, ate's friends, ann, tj, ate normie, boss butch, vic, all my former students who emailed and texted, for people who reached out even if they are overseas and we still haven't met, ate menchie, ate meliza,  ma'am florence, lyn, ma'am joyce, ma'am becca, rhovic, ate netchi, all the people i met thru this blog, the families of my friends and all their other friends, sorry if I won't be able to mention everyone's name, but please know that we hold you near our hearts and you are also always in our prayers. from our family: dad, mom, ate che, kuya ferdie, ate caren, ben, me and von, mico and lee, thank you.

Meet my sister :)

I tinkered a little with ate's blog (well, i only made all entries public) :) let her get angry at me when she wakes up :) If you have time, I encourage you to read her blog and realize that I am not exaggerating when I say that I have one strong sister. here she blogs about her treatments, her family, how she's currently feeling, etc. I am so proud of her. This is an excerpt from one of her entries:

On our way home I tell myself I have to hang on, i have to believe every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.  I will just think that now my new job is to be an artist I will have to consider that life is like a play in which , everyone has a role to execute and with enthusiam I shall come upfront and take the lead role and prove to all that i am a fighter. This is a momentary miracle for me, my turning point, I felt Jesus is telling me that I am handling you this trial for a good purpose. I realized Today is a gift; that is why it is called the present.

Here is the link to her blog: http://carenclarin.multiply.com

Oh and I particularly like these 2 entries: (hehe...)

http://carenclarin.multiply.com/journal/item/9/Sisters_by_Blood..._Friends_by_Choice

http://carenclarin.multiply.com/photos/album/46/True_Blood

how do i not miss you?

when i started this blog, it was my plan to regularly update everyone of ate's condition but the happenings from the previous week didn't allow me to do that. and right now in her bedside, while watching her sleep, i can't think of anything else but that i miss her. she's here with me and i am thankful everyday that she still is. but i miss ate. i miss watching horror movies with her, i miss laughing with her, i'm sure that if she were conscious, we'd laugh at my cousin's nonstop talking while watching tv, i just miss her so much. i knew we were close, but i am just realizing now how we have really shared so many things from the simplest to the toughest ones that it really is hard for me that she "physically" can't be here with me now. i miss my ate and i would do everything i can just to have her look at me and say my name again.  

sometimes when i look at her really, really closely, she comes back to me. i notice that the way she yawns now is exactly the way she yawns before, except that then, she still wakes up for more than ten minutes. i remember that when we were younger, she used to pull out one hair from me just to wake me up -- imagine, 1 strand of hair while you're asleep. geez. if i could do that to her and she would wake up, i'd do it immediately, even if it means she'd get angry at me.

i am rambling incoherent thoughts right now. i'm just recalling so many stuff about her so that looking at her right now will bring me back to the time when we were still "together". when there were the two of us, it felt like we could conquer anything -- we would have just laughed this one off. we were partners in crime, sometimes even mistakeni as twins. i know i'm only making myself sad with reminiscing, and i promise to stop. just allow me this blog entry to feel needy. it's just that ive been trying to act all adult like through everything that's been going on, but the bottom line is, i'm still her baby sister and having her hold my hand right now would feel like the safest thing in the world.

march 10-11: Defeating airplane rides

When ben (ate's husband) and i try to make light of the situation, we often mention how MMK (Maalaala Mo Kaya) our life is. It's a joke but really, it may be half true. With everything (not) going our way, we wonder when we will finally have our happy ending. Take their trip here to the Philippines for example. As i said, ate had to be flown here to the Philippines for treatment and so their trip should be off, 1030pm LA time. It was hard enough for ate to go to the airport and board the airplane (by this time she can't walk at all) but it was even harder to actually de-plane and board it again 12 hours later. What happened was the plane already took off, 1030pm but after one hour in the air, it had to turn back because of faulty landing gear. We understand that it was for their safety, but the service after landing again in the LA airport, according to ben was really bad that they had to stay in the airplane 4 hours after they landed. with nothing to eat but cookies. Ben even had to crush the cookies to give ate food because she won't be able to chew it at her condition. Again, we're thinking about ate here, she was slumped on her chair and they wouldn't even let them off the plane even though they knew that the plane wasn't going anywhere. So when finally decide to just cancel the flight altogether, they of course housed the passengers in the nearest hotel. and guess what, the hotel doesn't have wheelchairs! and since ate needs one, they offer ate one of those rolling chairs, and they had to bring ate to their room on that.

They finally got to board (again) 12nn the day after. The trip was ok but unfortunately, ate had another seizure (her third) 2 hours into the flight. it was just a mild one, but she went unconscious, only waking up very few times during the flight. One could just imagine how Ben must have been feeling during the entire flight. He was telling me that he was just praying that they get to land here safe and that's all he's asking for. And thank God they do make it safely and ate, even though that was such a difficult flight for her, she made it.

As I was expecting, my heart broke when I saw her. She was very weak in her wheel chair but you could see the light in her eyes. She was still talking during that time and she was saying hi to us and we were hugging her and welcoming her back. I really felt she was happy , and I was happy too, that we were together again albeit the circumstances but I know we'd be stronger together, and at the very least I have her here with me and I could still be on top of things especially for her upcoming treatments.

I was so proud of her after learning of what happened during the flight. I don't even know how she did it - imagine having a seizure 30000 feet in the air! She fought it with all she has, despite a cancelled schedule, a seizure, and a weak body, she endured it all just to return here, and it was amazing to see her smile again, and laugh with us. Ben said he thought he'd never see ate laugh like that again, but she did :) We brought her straight to the hospital from the airport, when we got to the room, there was like a switch in everyone, and we were all sharing happy stories, stories that happened while she weren't here, my cousin was joking like crazy but it was effective, and she was really laughing hard! it was like an unspoken agreement that no one is allowed to cry in front of her (when you have to cry, you have to go out of the room). I know all of us were very affected with what we're seeing, my mom and dad had very sad eyes despite joking around. But she made it through the airplane ride, and we got through the first night. As we plan to do so every night afterwards.

the past 2 days

hi everyone,i'm just trying to blog frm my mobile,see if it wrks. the past 2 days have been a blur,starting frm her arrival at the airport up to our current decision of changing our attending team of doctors and transferrng her to medcal city.i hope that wen everythng stabilizes,i can share the story with u guys because u guys are a part of what's keeping me fight,for everyone texting,emailing,sending in their contributions,praying for us- i am thanking you from the bottom of my heart nd in behalf of my family.u knw wat i do?i tel her about ur msgs,the kwentos,the prayers,the support.and although she finds it hard to grasp it all,ol of u got me a smile nd a nod frm her.nd that's ol i ask.nothng more.knowng she's still with me.it's perfectly fine.i'm sory i dnt get to reply to ur emails and txts immediately.i'm just so busy running around.its been 48 hrs of this nd i'm not stopping.i'm doing everythng i can nd puttng ol of my energy into it.because i dnt knw wat wil happen if i stop.its really hard.but she's fightng.super.i wish u cud ol see her.i'm so proud of her.she's smiling and laughng with us.even winking when she saw the cute nurse.hehe.and so i realize,if she's not gvng up,who am i to give in first?il battle this thru nd thru.pls be with me.thank u.

Living with Cancer since 2007

The following is just a recap of ate's challenges from the past 2 years. She went through everything with a smile in her heart and hope that soon she will be well. I know she's holding on for her kids, and for everyone she loves. She has indeed been very strong through everything and right now, we're beginning another stage where we need her to continue her smiles and continue to hold on despite the difficulty.

2007

January 2007 -- we discovered the lump on her left breast, she had a minor surgery to take out the lump but the doctor saw that it was too big to take out so he only got a bit for biopsy (SURGERY # 1).

Early Feb 2007, biopsy results say that it was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma -- yup, she has breast cancer. We then went to a series of plans with our doctors thinking of what would be the most immediate and most effective plan for this. We ended up opting for mastectomy of the left breast with lumpectomy, where her lymph nodes on her left armpit were also taken out (SURGERY # 2).

By the end of February, my sister has undergone mastectomy, lumpectomy and breast reconstruction.

By mid April, the silicone that was implanted on her left breast was not reacting well with the heat and her body -- she had an infection and it had to be taken out and replaced with fats from her tummy and therefore a tummy tuck (SURGERY # 3).

Thankfully she had a good reaction to this last surgery and only had to worry about her wounds. She was given Tamoxifen (orally taken selective estrogen receptor modulator (SERM) that is used in the treatment of breast cancer) for her maintenance and we only had to pray that the cancer does not come back.

2008

She was really getting better, gaining reasonable weight and doing normal activities again until early June 2008 where we found lymph nodes in her supraclavicular region (near her clavicle) and thus it required another surgery (SURGERY #4) to get 11 lymph nodes, 7 of which is positive with metastasis of her breast cancer cells.

The presence of metastasis here required my sister to go under chemotherapy. She had 4 sessions of it, from August till late October. I think that was our hardest days, it was really painful for me to see ate lose her hair, had several bouts of nausea and other side effects. But my ate, strong as she is, she passed through every session like a breeze. The first 3 days right after getting chemo, she was weak but after these 3 days, she'd be doing her usual activities like nothing happened. From then on, i believed it would be hard to bring my sister down. She continuously laughed and smiled through everything with us. She must have been hurting and may have had moments of weakness -- but it was nothing compared to the hope and faith she showed.

October-November 2008 after chemo, we learned that cancer has spread to her bones -- spinal cord and the shoulder. As bad news as that was (again) we had some good news as well, she was ER/PR+, that means that her cancer cells are responsive to hormones and therefore Tamoxifen could just be continued so that her cancer cells would die on their own, and not multiply -- that means no more chemo for ate! And we prayed that the doctor's prediction would come true that the cancer cells would die with no estrogen to feed on.

She was gaining back her health and we were able to celebrate a happy Christmas and new year. It was an exciting 2009 to look forward to because she and her fiance are getting married in February in the US and will come back in 2010 to arrange their wedding here in the Philippines. Which brings me to now. Like I said, she developed brain metastasis and we're looking at whole brain radiation or gamma knife surgery to take out these lesions. When they arrive today, we'll go straight to the hospital to have her confined so that her condition will stabilize. We will be staying at the Manila Doctor's hospital under Dr. Arturo dela Pena's care and we will be arranging for her radiation sessions to start ASAP. I will quickly post an update here on what plan of action we will take and where she would get radiation. Please pray for her safe trip and that her condition stabilizes as soon as she gets here. If you also have any good radiologist/oncologist contacts, we would gladly appreciate if you could share their names with us so we may contact them maybe for a consult.

Well, I guess that's it, I hope I could add better developments in this timeline because I don't think I can add anymore to 4 surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation treatment...sometimes it all just seems too much. We went from stage 1 breast cancer to stage 4 in 2 years. and stage 4 is the last stage -- i know that. But I am hoping we defy statistics now. I want to do everything, whatever it takes to prolong her life (i know asking for a cure is too much right now) -- she's not giving up, and neither am i.

and the battle begins (again).

2 months ago, we had medical clearance that my sister is on her way to recovery from her breast cancer. After several surgeries and 4 sessions of chemotherapy -- all within 2 years, we were all happy that she's getting better -- 2009 looked promising indeed. But then the past 2 weeks was a whirlwind, on her (civil) wedding day in San Francisco, she had her first seizure. CT scan said that she already has several scattered lesions on her brain, the largest of which is 2.2 cm. We were all forced to face that the cancer has metastasized (Metastasis is the movement or spreading of cancer cells from one organ or tissue to another) to her brain. 

Tonight, we're flying her in from San Francisco, one of the many roadblocks we had to face was that she couldn't get treated there as she just flew in February 12 and has not yet acquired an insurance coverage. Getting her seen by the specialists requires a lot of paperwork and may take months -- but we don't have that, not when she's losing her train of thoughts and motor skills with the lesions pressing on her brain. And so we decided to bring her back here where the treatment can immediately be performed (we're looking at Whole Brain Radiation Therapy or Gamma Knife treatment) and where the family is complete -- her kids, our parents, me, her husband, von and soon, our sister from Canada will also be joining us. 

We are launching a BIG FIGHT for her. I thought of this blog to share with you our story as your prayers and support are very much needed. My sister, Ate Che is also doing a campaign across Toronto and Ben (ate's husband) did one before they left SF. We know that we need help as we battle ate's cancer. We want her to know that she is not alone on this one and we will give everything we can to see her well and happy again so we can have more years together. I really do want to see her walk down the aisle in a wedding she dreamed of, I want her to see ME walking down the aisle, I want her to see her kids grow up, and hold my hand when I get to have kids of my own. I want her to see our parents' 50th golden anniversary, I want to have more laughter and tears and secrets with her and I want to share her with more people, for you to see her beauty, her light and her kindness. 

Yes, most times it is really hard, especially if we're just waiting for what's going to happen next. But with her in my mind, friends and family who give their unending support and prayers  and faith that God still wants her to be with us, I will continue to do everything I can to really just be with her every step of the way.